Dear Mark Zuckerberg,
The older I get the more I desire things that money simply cannot buy during the holiday season. So I
decided, why not send my Christmas list to a billionaire? Santa hasn’t got my other 30 letters. I am hoping that you find it in your heart to spread some holiday cheer on my timeline and provide me with a few changes I would like to see on Facebook.
Please consider making the following updates to your site.
Sensory Overload Button
Nowadays people will post anything on social media. Everything from pictures of their kids wearing
diapers that runneth over, their sister-in-law baby cousin Tracy in a casket, or videos of them popping
boils. You know, things I typically would never choose to view in real life. It would be amazing if
Facebook would at least give you some type of warning in advance to let you know to “Click at Your
Own Risk” instead of visually assaulting my feed. Add a “Don’t Be Nasty” warning to photo violators.
I’d be forever grateful.
Fake Story Alert
We all know that ONE Facebook friend that refuses to actually click the article to confirm that the headline
matches the story and will share sensationalize news or a hoax, creating a culture of click bait. This dominio
effect soon topples over everyone in your timeline getting their panties in a bunch about something that is
not even true. Poor Betty White has died 30 times in the last three years. Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a button that would stop them dead in their tracks and prevent them from posting?
Mass “Unlike” Function
Ever looked at your timeline and see someone say something so off the wall that you decided that the Facebook friendship needed to end? Whether it was “All Lives Matter” banter or a Donald Trump Muslim supporter, at some point you’ve realized your online friendship was a big mistake. At times, you need the appropriate passive aggressive response instead of deleting them as a whole. It makes it easier so I don’t have to explain why they no longer receive my updates the next time we bump into each other at family functions or at the office Christmas party. In these moments, I’d give anything to be able to click a button to remove every like that I’d ever given this person and ruin their self-esteem by watching their numbers drop with no warning or nothing, Jesus.
These people don’t deserve my friendship or my likes.
Facebook Etiquette Courses
I remember a glorious time where only college students with a valid email address were privy to
using Facebook. Those were the good ole days. Now everyone, even people with an AOL email address can
access Facebook, running amuck in the undergrad palace. While everyone deserves an equal opportunity to have a profile, there are some people that just don’t understand how this works. Stop showing me your child support statement. I’m sorry you felt fat today. No, I don’t want to see your lunch. And no, it’s not “complicated” ya’ll are divorced.
How awesome would it be to have “those” family members and friends profile’s deactivated until
enrolled and passed a Facebook etiquette class? Then take an SAT style exam in order to have their credentials restored.
Mark, please consider looking into this further, as I would forever be in your debt. Scratch that, your bank account will never know the true meaning of debt.
Yours Truly,
A Loyal Facebook User